Favorite Golden Girl Quotes
Blanche: Oh, Dorothy, I just talked to somebody back home, and they are doing the most horrible thing! They are tearing down the most important building in Blanche Devereaux's family history!!!
Dorothy: Oh my God, they're tearing down Mattress World!
Blanche: Even worse than that! They are tearing down the place where I spent my happiest moments as a child!!!
Dorothy: Oh, I'm sorry, Blanche. They're tearing down Boys Town.
Dorothy: Oh c'mon, Blanche, age is just a state of mind.
Blanche: Tell that to my thighs!
Dorothy: Well, if someone asked me to sail around the world with him, I'd say yes.
Sophia: Sail around the world? Please, you can't even get someone to ask you for a date! Sail around the world!!! Yeah, like there's a long line of men standing on the...
Dorothy: Alright, Ma!!!
Blanche: What do you think of my new dress? Is it me?
Sophia: It's too tight, it's too short and shows too much cleavage for a woman your age.
Dorothy: Yes, Blanche. It's you!
Sophia: When I turn my hearing-aid up to ten, I can hear a canary break wind in Lauderdale!
(Rose is telling another St. Olaf story.) Rose: Ned was sort of the town idiot.
Sophia: When, on your days off?
Dorothy: You know what your trouble is?
Blanche: Of course not!
Dorothy: The woman keeps a chicken in her home, how normal can she be?
Rose: I kept a chicken in my home.
Dorothy: Do you see my point?
Blanche: I do love the rain so. It reminds me of my first kiss...
Dorothy: Ah, you're first kiss was in the rain?
Blanche: No, it was in the shower.
Blanche: I'm jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo!
Dorothy: That's pretty jumpy...
Blanche: He is so sophisticated and charming and rich and handsome. He fairly screams Blanche. At least he will when I'm through with him!
Dorothy: You know what's young to me now? Forty. Suddenly forty is young.
Blanche: Oooh - aren't you sweet...
Miles: I'm a college professor, Rose. What did you think when I said I taught Hemingway?
Rose: I thought you were old.
Rose: My mother always used to say: "The older you get, the better you get, unless you're a banana."
Dorothy: Rose, I know this is a long shot, but did you take much acid during the sixties?
Blanche: Dorothy Zbornak, I have got the man for you!
Dorothy: No thanks. Had one.
Sophia: My hiney's asleep.
Dorothy: Fine, we'll keep our voices down.
(The Girls are coming through the front door after a trip. Rose is singing.) Rose: Three bottles of beer on the wall, three bottles of beer... you take one down, pass it along, two bottles of beer on the wall... Well, I'm off to bed!
Dorothy: Two bottles of beer on the wall?! Rose, you stopped at two bottles of beer?!
Rose: Yeah, it just drives you nuts, doesn't it? Good night!
Blanche: Rose is a bimbo.
Counselor:Rose, how do you feel about Blanche calling you that?
Rose: I think she's a gakögernöken.
Counselor:What does that mean?
Rose: Well, it used to be the term for the precise second that dog doo turns white, but now it mainly stands for rude.
(Blanche returns from the doctor's.) Blanche: He said he wants to put a pacemaker in me!
Sophia: Everybody's got a name for it these days!
(Rose slams the door after a date with Miles.) Blanche: Hello, Rose. Is something wrong?
Rose: Well, yes. It's Miles.
Blanche: What's about him?
Rose: I don't know. He's been kind of tight lately, and I hate it.
Blanche: Well, I'm just the opposite, I love a tight man... Tight man with cast iron pecs... thighs that could choke a bear... a butt you could eat breakfast of!!! Then the two of us would... (She looks over at Rose.) Rose, when did you get in?
Rose: Blanche, I've been here the whole time! I was telling you about Miles being tight.
Blanche: Oh, I love a tight man... Tight man with cast iron pecs... thighs...
Rose: No, tight with money! He's cheap!
Blanche: Tight with money?! Dump him!!!
Blanche: I never tell men about my past.
Rose: Why? Blanche: It takes too long!
(Sophia talks to Blanche.) Sophia: Fasten your seatbelt, slutpuppy! This ain't gonna be no cakewalk!!!
Stan: Don't you see? The last time Ted went to Acapulco he got married!
Dorothy: So? The last time I went to Coney Island I got pregnant! What's your point?
Rose: Cooking, Dorothy?
Dorothy: No, Rose, I'm developing pictures for the Magellan Space Program!
Blanche: You know girls, we are going on vacation and we may need to bring... you know... protection! Rose: What do you mean?
Dorothy: She means those. (She points to a counter.) Rose: A Hershey bar?
Dorothy: Over one. Rose: A pack of gum?
Dorothy: To the left. Rose: Hair dye? Dorothy: CONDOMS, Rose! CONDOMS, CONDOMS, CONDOMS!!!
Dorothy: I look like the mother of a Solid Gold dancer!
Rose: I thought his teeth were nice, what I couldn't believe was how old he was.
Dorothy: You know, sometimes I cannot believe my ears.
Sophia: I know. I shoulda taped 'em back when you were seven!
Dorothy: Come on, Ma, let's go out on the lanai...
Sophia: No, I think I'll just stay here.
Dorothy: Shady Pines, Ma!
Sophia: You're bluffing...
Dorothy: West wing...
Sophia: I'm right behind ya, pussycat!
Dorothy: You know for the talent section [Sophia] had to do a medley from The Fantastics. She started with Try to Remember and - she couldn't!
Rose: Back in St. Olaf, we would settle a dispute like this with some good old-fashioned log rolling.
Dorothy: Sorry, Rose, my log is in the shop!
Dorothy: You'll have to excuse my mother! She suffered a slight stroke a few years ago which rendered her totally annoying.
Rose: A man tried to harrass me back in St. Olaf. He was a soda jerk. Actually, he was the town jerk.
Dorothy: What did he do to you, Rose?
Rose: Well, every day when I came in, he'd arrange the ice-cream scoops in an obscene way! But by the time I got back home with the evidence to show my father... Choir: ...it melted!
(The air conditioning is broken.) Dorothy: My God, it must be a hundred-ten in here!
Blanche: Oh, just do what I do! Think cool thoughts, like the top of a mountain! The top of a mountain and a really hot ski instructor named Fritz... And a log cabin... and a bottle of bubbly... and a crackling fire... and a nice comfy bed... My God, Dorothy, it must be a hundred-twenty in here!
Blanche: I just hate being the butt of jokes!
Dorothy: Strangely enough, you don't mind being the butt of limericks!
Blanche: That's different - that's poetry!
Sophia: [Rose,] you're a lot smarter than people give you credit for. You've got common sense and you know what you're doing! [Blanche,] you're a slut!
Dorothy: [Blanche,] what did you win this time? A vasectomy?
Sophia: Jealousy is a very ugly thing, Dorothy! And so are you - in anything backless!
Rose: I dreamt all night I was a carburetor, and when I woke up I was exhausted!
Dorothy: (to Sophia) Prepare to die old woman!
(Mother's day. Stan and Dorothy visit Stan's mother.) Mother: If I had to thank her, I'd choke on the words! Dorothy: Please risk it.
Sophia: I'm saving that money for old age!
Dorothy: Ma! You don't even leave fingerprints anymore!
Rose: [Miles,] I can't believe this story you're telling me!
Dorothy: Oh, but you can believe the story of Hendrik Felderstuhl, St. Olaf's half man, half grasshopper?
Rose: Dorothy, I'm telling you when he rubbed his legs together you could swear you were on a camping trip!
Blanche: I am nothin' but a cheap, tawdry slut!
(Dorothy and Rose came in second place at the Miami Song Contest.)
Dorothy: Take it from the top, Rose!
Rose: That sounds so professional!
Dorothy: Ok, Rose, tickle the ivories!
Rose: Goochie Goochie Goo!
Dorothy: Rose, play or die!!! (later)
Song: I have to say what I feel, Miami has so much appeal, A great place to get a seafood meal, MIAMI Miami, Miami, you've got style, Blue clear sunshine, white sand by the mile. When you live in this town, each day is sublime The coldest of winter's are warm and divine. Miami, Miami, you've got style, Blue clear sunshine, white sand by the mile. There's ball clubs and night clubs all within reach, Dance the samba til morning then lie on the beach, Each view is a post card, each day a great time. It's the cream of the crops, it's the top of the line, Miami, Miami, you've got style, Blue clear sunshine, white sand by the mile M-I-A-M-I... you've got style!
(Blanche to Patrick, a two-timing actor.) Blanche: You are nothing but a low down carpetbagging scallywag! And as God is my witness, I will never shampoo your hair again!
(Sophia makes her will with Rose.) Sophia: I leave my daughter, Dorothy, ... to science!
(At the murder mistery weekend.) Dorothy: When a 22 year-old marries an 85 year-old chances are she's not after his body... (later) Cop: So I accuse Blanche Devereaux of murder!
Dorothy: Sir, I have known Blanche for years, and this tramp is incapable of murder!
(The girls prepare the funeral for Mrs Claxton.) Sophia: Hey, P-feifer, how'd you like a punch in the p-face?!
(Aunt Angela curses Sophia.) Angela: May your shampoo get mixed up with your preperation-h and shrink your head to the size of a mushroom!
(All of the girls are in Sophia's bed because the heater broke down. Rose forgot to say her prayers, so she has to disturb everyone by getting out of bed to kneel and say her prayers. She recites a long prayer...) Voice: Thank you for the lovely prayer, Rose. Now shut up and get into bed! (Rose, with a surprised look on her face, nods and gets into bed.)
Blanche: Nice work, Dorothy!
Dorothy: Wasn't me! (Blanche gets a scared look on her face and starts to pray.) Blanche: Sweet Jesus, am I in trouble! Now I lay me down to sleep...
Blanche: Why, Rose? That's the law of the jungle!
Sophia: Thank you, Sheena, queen of the slut people!
(Don, a fake Beatle, wrote a song for Dorothy.) Don: Dot, Dot, what a girl I got! When we take a shower, we don't need hot!
(Sophia composed a song as well.) Sophia: Thanks for the medicare, for blue cross and blue shield, for a hip that finally healed, remember on prescription generic is a steel, we thank you so much...
Blanche: Since I let Dorothy dance with that man, I feel so warm and gooshy inside. Feels a lot like cramps!
Blanche: By the way, did you girls know that the size of a man’s ears is directly portionate to the size of his other body organs?
Rose: What do you mean?
Dorothy: He had a big floppy pancreas, Rose!
(Blanche visits her mother on Mother's Day in a home.) Mother: I thought Virginia was the slut! Blanche: No, Ma'am, that was me - all the time!
Rose: It's just like that old Scandinavian saying: "You can lead a herring to water, but you have to walk really fast or he'll die."
Blanche: I treat my body like a temple.
Sophia: Yeah, open to everyone: day or night!
(The girls have the flu.) Blanche: Dorothy, where’s my heating pad?
Dorothy: How should I know?
Blanche: If this isn’t it, I’d like to know what other electrical appliance your using under that blanket?
(Dorothy is talking about Blanche.) Dorothy: She could be in a coma, but put a man within five miles, she would roll over and shave her legs!
Dorothy: Ma, you're lying!
Rose: Dorothy, be positive!
Dorothy: Okay - I'm positive you're lying!
Trudy: This is terrible! I mean, what kind of person jumps in bed with her dearest friend's husband?
Blanche: Well, not necessarily a bad person, owing to circumstances... Oh, you're talking to Dorothy...
Blanche: Nobody ever believes me when I’m telling the truth. I guess it’s the curse of every devastatingly beautiful woman!
Blanche: Dorothy, do you think I’m dressed okay for the dog races?
Sophia: That depends - are you competing?
Blanche: I’m simply questioning how ANY man could possibly choose you over me!
Dorothy: It isn't working, Blanche!
Blanche: I suppose there could be some exceptions: convicts who haven’t seen a woman in twenty-five years...
(Rose is desperately longing for an honorary award. Finally, she becomes only second again.) Rose: She doesn't need that award on her mantel! She IS on her mantel!!!
Rose: Sophia, what are you doing with that heavy coat on inside the house? (Sophia opens her trenchcoat and flashes Rose.)
Sophia: You tell me, Rose!
Dorothy: Ma! Rose: Dorothy, was Sophia naked just now or does her dress really need ironing?
(Mrs. Claxton is having an argument with Blanche.) Mrs. C.: With my binoculars I have a terrific view in your bedroom window! I think some of the stuff you do is illegal - I'm looking into it!
Rose: Do you know that promotion that I was up for at the counseling center? Well, I found out I can’t have it unless I become bilingual.
Blanche: Oh, honey, don’t do that! No job is worth having to date women!
(Uncle Angelo comes for visit. He's a priest. Blanche and Rose come in, dressed like nuns.) Blanche: And I'm Sister Blanche. We're here collecting, uh, lingerie... for needy sexy people!
(Blanche tells Dorothy that she would shave her legs all the way up, hoping to send the message "touch my leg".)
Dorothy: That's if they miss the tattoo that says the same thing!
Rose: Hi, Stan. Where’s your hair?
Stan: Oh damn, I should have never let the sun roof down!
Blanche: A one night stand only lasts one night.
(Rose has shot Blanche's valuable vase by coincidence.) Rose: I heard a noise! I thought it was the robbers!
Sophia: I manage to live 80, 81 years. I survive a stroke, pnumonia, two world wars. One night I'll belch, and Stable Mable here will blow my head off!
Blanche: Like the fatal blossom of the great gimson weed, I entice with my fragrance, but can provide no succor.
(Rose holds up a homemade Mr. Potato Head. She asks Dorothy for her opinion.) Dorothy: Why don't we put a gold chain on it and call it Sammy Potato Jr.?
Dorothy: Good night, Rose! Go to sleep honey! Pray for brains!
Dorothy: Rose, honey, I hope you don’t mind but I borrowed your golf gloves? I have a date to play this morning. Blanche: With a MAN?
Dorothy: No, Blanche, with a venus fly trap!
(Blanche makes a deal with God in a prayer after Rose suffered a heart attack.) Blanche: I promise that I will not have sex with any man - unless they really, really need it!
(After a heavy argument with Dorothy the plummer left a new toilet in the girls' living-room.) Sophia: Dorothy, your a genious! I walk into the living room and there is a toilet in front of the TV! It's an old lady's dream come true!
(Dorothy is talking to her mother Sophia.) Dorothy: This isn't going to work, you little stick person!
Dorothy: Now listen up, you withered old Sicilian monkey...
Sophia: Keep that up and I'll send you to Shady Pines!
(Rose's new dog takes away one of Blanche's slippers.) Blanche: Hey! That slipper is from the Mayme Van Dorem Collection! (She chases after the dog.) Dorothy: Ha! Would you look at that: man's best friend - chasing man's best friend!
Dorothy: I loved menopause. It means no more PMS. Blanche: I never had PMS!!!
Rose: Neither did I, but I had a BMW once!
Sophia: Jean is a lesbian.
Blanche: What’s funny about that?
Sophia: You aren’t suprised?
Blanche: Of course not. I’ve never known any personally, but isn’t Danny Thomas one?
Dorothy: Not Lebanese, Blanche, lesbian!
(Blanche needs to talk to Rose late at night. Rose is still sleeping.) Blanche: Am I a terrible person?
Rose: I don’t know. Who are you?
Blanche: It’s me, Blanche.
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche, you're not a terrible person! You're just horny all the time.
Blanche: Only the tall girls who couldn't get dates wrote poetry in high school!
Dorothy: Get back here, you old Sicilian Gecco!
Blanche: I wish Sophia was my mother, so I could be the one to put her in Shady Pines!
Blanche: You know what I hate about cleaning up after a party?
Rose: Picking your underwear up out of a pile?!
Blanche: Now Rose, put yourself in my position. (Rose takes a while.) Rose: I'm not limber enough!
Dorothy: Yes, Rose, you are the smartest person in the world - Burger World!
Dorothy: Ah, no, Rose, I'm upset because they haven't rerun the Facts of Life in Australia!
Blanche: I am abhorred!
Sophia: We know what you are Blanche. I'm glad to finally hear you admit it.
Blanche: This is the definitive where I lost my virginity story...
Sophia: In a bayou? - You slut!
(Blanche is scared that the cheeseman will kidnap her because she's the prettiest.) Blanche: If only I could do something to make myself less attractive!
Sophia: Try soap and water!
Rose: Every Thursday night I watch LA LAW.
Dorothy: That's L.A. LAW!
Dorothy: "Back in St. Olaf, back in St. Olaf, back in St. Olaf", does it ever occur to you that every time one of us makes an observation you say "back in St. Olaf"?
Rose: No.
Dorothy: That's okay.
Rose: Anyway, back in that town whose name...
Dorothy: Rose!
(Sophia is dropped off in a taxi. She rings at the girls' door.) Sophia: Is this 6151, Richmond Street? Dorothy: Ma, where have you been?
Sophia: Oh, thank God! I've been walking around for six hours!
Dorothy: Ma, why didn't you call? Sophia: I tried but everytime I put a dime and started to dial, a condom popped out!
(Rose just said she didn't want to lie for going to a strange high school reunion.) Dorothy: Rose, what is the natural color of your hair?
Rose: I'll get the car.
Sophia: Are you making the grocery list, pussycat?
Dorothy: Yeah, do you want something?
Sophia: Umm... Let's say 4 or 5 chickens and about 40 or 45 sunblock lotion.
Rose: Oh, I've made that mistake before. If you don't want the chicken to burn, just turn the heat down.
Dorothy: I don't think that's what she meant, Rose... What do you mean you've made that mistake before?
(Rose, Dorothy and Blanche are in the kitchen eating Rose's bad smelling cookies. They're holding their noses while Sophia walks in.) Sophia: Oh, come on! You couldn't smell that from out there!
(The girls are fighting over who gets to show Patrick, an actor, around their local theatre.) Dorothy: Why don't we show Mr Vaughn around the theatre?
Blanche: (pushing away Dorothy) Well why don't I show you around, since I have had the most experience performing here...
Dorothy: (pushing away Blanche) The parking lot doesn't count Blanche, I'll do it!
(The girls are going to Russia.) Blanche: Dorothy! I've just been speaking to that good looking reporter over there who just got back from Russia and he told me some very interesting things; it snows there in the summer time, and they don't have very many attractive women, do you realise what this means?? When we go to Russia I will have my pick of any man in the country and you can make a snowman in June!
Dorothy: If I had lived with Stan before we got married, it would have saved me from some painful memories, and a bitter divorce!
Sophia: And you might possibly have given birth to reasonably attractive children.
Rose: I haven't been with a man in that...special way since Charlie died.
Blanche: Get outta here!!!!
Rose: It's true! Charlie is the only man I've ever slept with, and my first time was on our wedding night.
Blanche: GET OUTTA HERE!!
Dorothy: Oh back off Blanche! Not all of us are classified by the navy as a friendly port!
(The girls are at a sperm bank because Blanche's daughter wants to be artificially insemenated. They are speaking to the doctor.) Blanche: Well I have heard enough! No Devereaux has ever had to go to a bank for sperm, I certainly haven't!
Dorothy: (to the doctor) She's always relied on the kindness of strangers, doctor.
"He has dipped his toe in the lake known as Blanche."
Blanche: When they put me in prison I'll be brave, I can handle it!
Rose: Blanche, you don't understand! They put you in a women's prison!
(Blanche, Rose and Dorothy mistakenly are booked into a nudist colony, and they are checking in. The bellboy is naked and they want to be shown to their room by the bellboy.) Dorothy: Well just point the way! (Blanche 'looks' at the bellboy.)
Blanche: Up! Oh good we're on the 2nd floor.
Blanche: I don't look right in American clothes, I have a more European body!
Rose: Oh in Europe, do they all have big butts, too?
Dorothy: Blanche, this is all about your ego, isn't it?
Blanche: Ego, Dorothy? I have no ego...
(Rose wants Dorothy to repeat her story.) Blanche: No, no, no, please, I cannot bear that again! She was listening to her car radio, big band not all talk. There was a contest. Something about a little voice, a lucky member and a dime in a door handle then bim bam boosh, she won the tickets.
Dorothy: Take a lesson, Rose! That's how you tell a story!
(Blanche has just met Rose's cousin Sven.) Blanche: I never thought I'd be saying this, but I think Rose got the brains in that family!
(Blanche and Rose are trying to give Dorothy advice.) Blanche: Do you know how it feels to have someone not believe you?
Rose: I sure do, back in St...
Blanche: Rose, I was about to tell a story!
Rose: I wanna tell one!
Blanche: Dorothy? Dorothy: God, this is a no-win situation....but go ahead Blanche.
Rose: Fine! You might never get to hear my story.
Dorothy: Then I was wrong, this isn't a no-win situation!!
(Blanche and Dorothy fight over who wears a certain dress.) Blanche: Dorothy, please, this is lunacy!! Since when did you care how you look??
Dorothy: I think it started when I came down from the bell tower and had my hump fixed!
Dorothy: You are a furry little gnome and we feed you too much!
(The Elvis fan club founded by Blanche and Rose holds a meeting.) Blanche: But before we adjourn our secretary has a real special surprise... a genuine Elvis artifact!
Rose: It's a partially eaten pork chop. (The chop is passed around and Dorothy has a look on it.)
Dorothy: This has to be a fake, I mean, Elvis would never have left this much meat on a pork chop! (Dorothy starts laughing and upsetting the members.)
Blanche: Dorothy, you're outa the club! Meeting is adjourned, thank you ladies, thank you for coming.
(Sophia has just caused some trouble.) Dorothy: Oh fine, she does something wrong, suddenly she's my mother!
Rose: You... You... You rude person!!!
Dorothy: Go easy on him, Rose.
Rose: Can I ask a dumb question?
Dorothy: Better than anyone I know!
Blanche: Well, just tell Miles you have a lot of work at home!
Rose: But I don't want to lie!
Blanche: Ok then, we'll make you clean out the garage later.
Rose: Oh thanks, I owe you big for this one!
(Sophia breaks Dorothy's watch.) Dorothy: Ma!! Stan gave me that watch when we got married!
Sophia: Well, the marriage never worked, why should the watch?
Dorothy: Ma, I absolutely forbid you to drive a car!
Sophia: Oooh, look Dorothy... I'm shaking!
Dorothy: Ma, I'm taking the dress back to the mall.
Sophia: So?
Dorothy: So I'm sorry for what I said earlier, and I'd really like it if you came along and helped me pick out another one. What do you say?
Sophia: 'what do I say' I'm your mother Dorothy! I was there for you when you needed a communion dress, I was there for you when you needed a prom dress, I was there for you when you needed a wedding dress... (Dorothy holds Sophia's hand and smiles.)
Sophia: ...and quite frankly I'm sick of it, buy your own damn dress!
Man: Blanche was right! She said you were incorrigible!
Sophia: I guess I deserve it. I always say she's a cheap slut!
(Sophia is addressing to Blanche.) Sophia: Hey just because you put your make-up on with a butter knife doesn't make you a tammy baker!
Rose: I don't understand!
Sophia: You should have that printed on a T-shirt, Rose!
Blanche: Hi fidell!
Sophia: Beat it, you 50 year-old mattress!
Blanche: Girls, do you realise it's been eight days since I had a date?
Sophia: Do you realise it's been eight days since I had a... (Dorothy interferes.)
Dorothy: Ma, please, whatever it is - keep it to yourself! Sophia: That's my problem.